For a few dollars more

After witnessing a quiz contest that was about as interesting as watching a group of not-so-athletic slugs doing a slow cycle race to determine their next ruler, I was at a friendly neighbourhood eat-out having my dinner when my mobile decided to beep the Walk of Life, and I knew that it had to be a message reminding me not to be late to the meeting where there were things waiting to be discussed and finalized, ostensibly in an atmosphere of brotherly hostel spirit. The Narmad mess at 9:30, the message said.

On arriving at the said spot, one would have been tempted to mistake it for a conclave of angry rugby players bracing up for the referee outside the stadium after losing the game owing to poor decisions on field. And he would not have been too far away from the truth. The meeting was the first of the four General Body Meetings that would be held every academic year. As the name suggests that is when the General Body of the hostel meet for the first time and discuss if pigs really have wings that have a matching colour to their skin complexion. But before that they usually discuss issues of lesser significance like the hostel budget that the secretaries would propose for the coming academic year.

It was the Gen-sec, better known to the watchful reader as the one who sent the message, when I was at the f.n. eat-out, who was presenting his budget when I entered. The issue under discussion was regarding the selection of volunteers to monitor the computer room. The G-S. was of the opinion that he needed a vol with computer fundaes to ensure nothing goes wrong with the computers and another to ensure that the computer room is closed at 11. Now, the closing of a computer room, as you would discern is not a job for the weak hearted. In fact every young man, starting his life ought to be a vol who closed the computer room at 11 in his hostel to build character. But the Narmad brethren seemed to think otherwise. And this meant a cut of about Rs.500 from his budget as there certainly was no free dinner for non-workers. For the uninitiated, the hostel tradition is to reward every hard working young vol with a dinner treat at the end of the academic year. Then there was the issue of transportation, miscellaneous transportation and transportation for the hostel night, that was settled in a not-very amiable manner, but settled finally, it was. But then there were other smaller issues like the purchase of washing machines etc that the cash-conscious general body pooh-poohed.

And then it was the turn of the Sports-Sec. He went about giving his plans for furthering and promoting and developing sporting facilities at the hostel. There were of course a few hiccups when the g.b., rather generously suggested the purchase of ten pairs of socks and studs for fourteen players and came up with a mind-blowing suggestion to do away with the purchase of a chess board and instead involve the largely untapped Narmad potential of budding pop art exponents to draw 64 squares, alternating black and white in colour, and stick them on a good cardboard sheet to further the interests of the chess prodigies. But they had to reluctantly agree to the purchase of a chess board (the cheapest one, no less) when they were reminded that though there were many budding exponents of pop art, there certainly were no wood carvers etc who could make the chess pieces.

Yours truly, as the poet Whatsisname once said had the responsibility thingummy on his shoulders, before he could say What Ho! Being the Lit-Sec of a hostel, and presenting the budget would have made me a red carpet invitee into the sixteenth chapter of Thomas and his nerves of ISO certified Steel, where our brave protagonist braves the fire breathing jaws of the fiercest of the Romanian Dragons, while warding off the attack from the Loch Ness monster. After a quick introduction I proceeded to present my budget. There was a bit of haggling on the question of how much the winner of an intra hostel event ought to be awarded. For some time the scene was reminiscent of a beam balance with empty pans. Then some kindred souls in the g.b. decided that they needed more money for the thingy rather than for the nonameyet as opposed to some others who felt the exact opposite. Abraham Lincoln would have been a proud man had he seen me diffuse the argument with the greatest of ease and bring calm amidst the growing unrest (hell, I am the author here!). And he certainly would have sung my praises during the dinner table conversation and later on had he seen how quickly I concluded the haggling and brought about a peaceful agreement with the g.b. So there was peace at last, but then there were these moments that occurred during the calming process that would have gone a long way in clearing any doubts that Ol’ Abe had in my abilities.

Firstly, there was this question on which was the better event the thingy or the nonameyet, which took some masterful explanation to prove the qualitative superiority of the thingy.

Then, the allocation of an annual budget to buy books. It is a great tradition at the hostel library that we manage to expand our impressive collection of books every year, to ensure that the average Narmadite continues to remain head, shoulders and waist above the mainstream sheep. But there was a bean in the g.b. that seemed to think otherwise. He was politely told by a half of the g.b to go and boil his head off. ‘There you go, Abe! That’s support from unexpected quarters’ I said, and Abe nodded in glad approval.

While we are still on the topic of the allocation of an amount to buy books, there was this old egg, not an altogether bad one that wanted to know how many books (exactly, mind you) that I intended to buy in the coming months. It took me some explaining on the lines of how a book is not a tennis ball that has a fixed price, and how I intended not to buy any book that claims to thrill you and chill you and is written by a number without a name, or by any other person who has a fair knowledge of revolver brands and is on a mission to fill up 700 odd pages with useless info about the same in the hands of a smiling assassin or for that matter of anyone who seems to think that the world is essentially full of phallic emblems. Having understood the basic difference in the economics of a tennis ball and a book, he looked an enlightened man.

And then the meeting was largely devoid of any interesting occurrences that would register a good 7 on the Richter scale till the Garden-sec came along (yessir! We have one!). He wanted to buy about a million saplings for half a million rupees and was promptly told by the enlightened g.b to eat cake. And he gladly conceded.

A piece of information which if I fail to mention here would haunt me for the rest of my life is the one concerning our Warden. Narmada like any other self-respecting hostel has a Warden, a thorough gentleman who is always there in every Narmadite’s hour of need. He had the rather unenviable position tonight of having to endure the entire meeting and watch the g.b. lose the sight of the forest for the wood. Yet like one of those heroes in fables whom you find braving the storm with an upper lip that was as stiff as an iron rod, he braved it.The meeting, lasted, I must add for three hours, and the secretaries finally tabled their budgets, which were passed by the g.b., who were glad that the overall budget was just over a lakh of rupees less than what their immediate predecessors had tabled.

All’s well that ends well? I think this is just the beginning.